dumped

feeling dumped again
is this feeling must come once a month if i still here? here in my desperate lonely room. in this foreign town. which i don't have any close friend..
i know actually i just have to talk about it to my God. to Allah. but there's a time when i can't just talk to God. i need someone who talk to me back when i tell my stories..

i need someone who completely accept me the way i'm live.. not someone who thinks that i'm always good. or always there to fulfill what their wants.. act properly like they wants..
i'm selfish and pampered. and i can't change that. it's so hard to change that. and nobody ever understand me a lot..

girls? they're too much sensitive and they won't accept any of my selfishness or my pampered act. i always do my best to make them feel warm and cozy near me. but that always not enough for them. i already had done with this. and it wasn't success. i'm failed being in any friendship, here, in this town.
i ever have a best friends on my high school. but i don't remember how did i do that? where's the girl that my friends likes a lot? why did that girls go away from my self? is it just because i'm not there? on my hometown? only my friends on my hometown who ever likes me? and everyone here on this foreign town has totally hates me?
or i just can't adapt? that's a little bit weird since i'm already know this foreign town since i was baby. i can adapt here.
but why it's being so hard to live in this town without my family?

boys? they not sensitive at all. some of them only talk to me when they need me. some others just never talk to me or thinks that i'm exist. some of them only get close to me coz' they want to dating with my friends and try to get the info about my friends through me.


here, now, i feel like nobody wants me to live near them.
just my family. mom, dad, brother. it just them who can make me feel appreciated. loved. and i don't have them here..

WAHAM

sabtu, 16 Juni 2012

waham? sebagian orang mungkin ngga tau artinya.
waham itu keyakinan tentang sesuatu yang ngga sesuai aslinya. mungkin mirip dengan bentuk dari DELUSI dan ini semua adalah suatu tanda dari SCHIZOPHRENIA. kalau kata yang satu ini mungkin udah banyak yg tau. ya. Schizophrenia=gila.





kenapa tiba tiba gue bahas ini? karena gue baru aja menyadari bahwa gue ternyata punya WAHAM itu. gue udah bisa menciptakan dan merasakan DELUSI. dan gue bakal tambah shock kalau ternyata gue beresiko schizophrenia..

astaghfirullah..

untungnya masih ada tanda tanda schizophren lain yang gue ga punya. seperti dikutip di WIKIPEDIA:

Indikator premorbid (pra-sakit) pre-skizofrenia antara lain

ketidakmampuan seseorang mengekspresikan emosi: wajah dingin, jarang tersenyum, acuh tak acuh.

Penyimpangan komunikasi: pasien sulit melakukan pembicaraan terarah, kadang menyimpang (tanjential) atau berputar-putar (sirkumstantial).

Gangguan atensi: penderita tidak mampu memfokuskan, mempertahankan, atau memindahkan atensi.

Gangguan perilaku: menjadi pemalu, tertutup, menarik diri secara sosial, tidak bisa menikmati rasa senang, menantang tanpa alasan jelas, mengganggu dan tak disiplin.

image from medic4health.com

gue masih bisa ber-emosi. gue masih bisa komunikasi walaupun terkadang sulit (oh damn), dan gue masih bisa merasa SENANG. itu yang paling penting.

thanks Allah, kalo ternyata gue ga schizophren. tapi jelas gue mengalami DELUSI. yang cukup parah.

gue ga bisa ngasih tau waham gue apa. yang pasti ini udah terjadi berulangkali.

dan gue harus bisa ngobatin diri gue sendiri. gue harus menghilangkan waham ini. gue harus berusaha mengalahkan delusi ini agar gue bisa membedakan mana realita mana ilusi yang gue ciptakan sendiri.

please please oh so please,
hilangkan DELUSI ini dari pikiranku ya Allah.. Amin ya Rabbal alamiin!